#12 The Narc

Feeling like Wonder Woman.

I was invited to a special occasion to celebrate love amongst a group of friends that I knew through the Narc. Gosh there is so much to tell you about how epic this event in my life felt at that time. So here's breaking it down.

1. This was the first time I would see the Narc after the horrendous and traumatic split up we'd had. It had been 10 months. No contact from me pretty much other than a few texts over my birthday but that's another story.

2. This event celebrating love was for his best mate. Surrounded by all his other best mates. People I hardly spent any time with as a group since the split.

3. Along with my invitation also came a warning for his presence but that the couple celebrating love would both really like me to attend despite the Narc.

4. This was at a time where I had gained a bit of weight. I wasn't feeling my hugely confident, sassy self.

5. The event was a house party, so it meant quite close surroundings, one toilet, one escape route and a lot of wandering eyes.

6. Well it had to happen at some point.

As you can imagine, I had done plenty of reflecting, growing, crying and laughing through those last 10 months and I was kind of relieved that I would be finally seeing him just to get it done and over with. Firstly, I had no expectations of any interaction between us. I chose not to drink as I thought that would be the smartest move but also I had just kick started 'mission skinny Holly' so alcohol wasn't really on the cards anyway.

I don't know how but my appearance decided to completely work for me. What I mean by that is, my nails were nice and long and perfectly manicured. My hair actually sat where it was meant to. No spots. I chose the perfect dress that covered all the rolls but effectively made my tits look great and I dressed the look down with some casual glittery sandals. I felt calm. It was weird. I thought I'd feel nervous or start having heart palpitations and the joke of it was, I didn't even notice when he entered the house because I was so consumed in a conversation with someone else. I genuinely couldn't give a shit. It was glorious.

I am almost stunned at myself and overwhelmed with how far I had come because his presence didn't affect me the way it once did and that alone was a huge achievement. My heart didn't even jump or skip a beat or whatever it does when someone you once loved was about.

He was in a group talking to friends in the kitchen and I walked past him to go and get some water and walked right back. I was chatting to a friend of mine when I felt a hand on my shoulder from behind. Yes, it was his. I turned around and his smarmy smile and open arms were beaming at me.

"How you doing?" (Not said like Joey from Friends, just to clarify) "It's been a long time"

It would be weird to not return the hug, so I did, and said hello. He said hello to my friend and then asked "how have you been?" to which I replied "Yeah good."

That's all I said. I wasn't interested in having a conversation to be perfectly honest. I didn't really care what he had been up to and I didn't really want him to know what I was up to. SO I didn't follow through on the conversation which I suppose made him feel annoyed, embarrassed, shocked that I didn't care any more? So he said "Ok then" in a right attitude and walked away.

It was a weird interaction, and it was a funny reaction from him. The night carried on and I could feel his eyes burning into me. I noticed myself and my body language a lot that night. I was stood between two chairs that had friends sat on them, my arms on either side, a power stance.

It was nice because whilst I thought it would feel like we were the elephant in the room. There was none of those vibes whatsoever.

He was leaving alongside his brother and his brothers girlfriend, a threesome that used to be us four. He politely came to say goodbye with a hug and said see you soon, take care. Again, not much from me but I spoke to his brother for a little while before they headed out the door and I am sure it would have puzzled him as to why I gave more energy to one more than the other. I am not sure why I did, was always fond of him although another known cheater.

I stayed to the end and it was clear that everyone could see that we could be in a room together and be adults. Apparently that seems to be a hard thing to adjust to. The hostess who was a close friend of mine at the end told me that she kept her eye on us both, just to see how we were coping and she said every time she looked at him, he was looking at me.

There is hardly an ounce of banter attached to this story. But it does go to show you, that when you know enough is enough, you deserve better and finally have the ovaries to walk away from someone who you loved so hard. You can get over it, you can be a better person for it and you can stop being the elephant in the room.