So what happens when you feel low and you want to feel better? You seek validation and guess what I did?
I text Pingu.
It had been a little over three weeks of completely being out of touch with him even though he had text a week in to tell me he had moved from Sydney to a little town in the middle of nowhere. I didn't respond. He was chuffed that I caved and relighted our slow burning fucking pile of matchsticks.
I may need to warn you. This happens a lot over the course of 2019. Which is surprising because when I split from the Narc, I chose to have no contact whatsoever. None, zero, zilch, nada. So why did I continue to cave? Damn magic providing me with hope.
We got chatting and he clearly needed to vent a little and of course managed to say a lot of cute things that made me melt all over again for him. Talked about our connection and how mad he was for me. It's frustrating to look back at it now. I was so easily manipulated into feeling how I felt before Christmas. Utterly in love. It was stupid. It was never going to work, he made it quite clear that he didn't want to make some ridiculous bold statement that reflected my feelings. Words. He liked to use words. Action baby! Life is a movie and you are a film star (this is definitely out of a chick flick - The Sweetest Thing?)
Shock, we text everyday once I reconnected. Just like before he moved to Sydney but I knew this was because he was now in a little town in the middle of nowhere and not in the booming city that was Sydney. Nevertheless, the dumb blonde that grew to stop being a doormat the whole of 2018 turned into a fucking doormat in 2019. (If you can sense my anger - that's wonderful, cause its present right now).
My birthday happened. It was girly and glorious. I took the day off work and treated myself to a manicure/ pedicure followed by sun bathing and reading by the pool. I got a call. A delivery. 2 boxes of cupcakes, a balloon and flowers. From Pingu. I was in shock and stupidly happy and just bursting at the seams. As my brother liked to point out: "it's not very hard to send something Holly".
I ignored JJ. Pingu and I text and text and text and a couple of days later I told him about a public holiday that would be happening in the Oasis and that I could fly out for the weekend and come and see him in said small town in the middle of nowhere.
Bold statement.
His response? "Oh, I might be doing something with my friends from Sydney that weekend. But if it doesn't go ahead, can I let you know?"
It hurt. It basically spoke volumes and I left it for a while before I confronted him with my feelings. Ladies (and gents). If this is how someone is treating you. Walk away.
And I did.
I caved. Again. I saw a video on Instagram with penguins waddling. He had previously joked about how he would waddle through my door the next time he was there and I couldn't not send it.
He laughed and he said he'd been doing some thinking and had been such a twat to act the way he did and he wanted to come and see me. He had looked at flights and thrown a load of dates my way.
After deliberation and budgeting, sooner wasn't possible so he wanted to tie in a trip on his way back to the UK in September. Two weeks to stay with me and see if what we have is actually genuine. Which was at this stage a long four months away and actually really scary and not something I was willing to do.
I got excited but I couldn't do four months of hanging on. I knew he wasn't good for my headspace. So I left it. I walked away and left it.
I hate to say: this was not the end. I'm just building up the pebbles. I should really head to a lake and start skimming to get rid of them all but there aren't any in the Oasis. Penguins, pebbles or lakes.
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