The search on Tinder continues…
It had been a fair few months on Tinder so like most girls I imagine (and don’t lie, this totally happens to all of us) – you start to lower your standards. Before I wouldn’t have swiped right on a Saffa or a Personal Trainer: ”it’s against my policy”. Whereas now I was like: “Ooohhh he’s hot” (she swipes right).
So I matched with this guy, he was cute looking, Saffa but his profile didn’t really reveal much. His photos clearly showed he played guitar but he wasn’t like rock n roll, more like Jason Mraz type style. Curly black hair and a tattoo on his right forearm. He said very little on the chat but we exchanged numbers. When I say very little, he basically asked straight up after some pleasantries with what’s your number. Sometimes guys prefer WhatsApp to chatting on Tinder and that’s ok with me.
There was no banter, no conversation, he asked to take me out and we arranged a time and a date. All very mysterious and this hadn’t really happened before. It didn’t totally put me off but it did worry me who I was going to meet? Did I even have anything in common? Did he have banter? Was he a gentleman?
There was banter! When I asked what we were going to do, he floated the idea of taking a boat trip out to sea for some rowing would be a good idea (clearly a joke) and I said I’d be happy to bring snacks should we float out too far. He joked further about a flare gun just in case. And that’s all that was required, it was nice to know he had some banter. He gave me a choice of two places. They were both decent options and places I had been before but he hadn’t tried the hip, sort of jazz feel bar one so that’s where we agreed on. He had said no food because he’d eat before we got there and that wasn’t a problem for me, I like to know what the plan is. Although I have to admit it felt like a red flag, the way he said it.
I wore a black top that bared my shoulders, white jeans which made my ass look amazing and heels. My makeup sat perfectly that night, not something that always happens. I got there first and the restaurant that we planned to drink at, was full. Full full. No space at the bar full. When he rocked up, we embraced, shorter than me in my heels, and he hadn’t made a booking. So we walked next door. Honestly I was a bit bummed cause I loved that restaurant, it’s fine, we sat next door in a smoky grungy bar. You’re allowed to smoke indoors in the Oasis which is never great when you’re going home and your nice clean hair is stinking of an ash tray. Always the vibe I go for when heading into the office after a date night… the dirty tired ashtray. #not
After all the texts about how he would eat before, he got to the date and he was hungry. He didn’t get to eat beforehand, so he ordered all this food and of course I shared it because 1) FOOD and 2) he expected me to. Another red flag because he had made such a deal about it in the first place.
But we got to know each other, halved a bottle of wine. I could tell immediately that he was into me. I am a bubbly person, pretty easy to be around and if you haven’t worked it out yet, I like to banter. I think it’s important that you can roast me (not like that), but you know, give it back when I tease. A form of flirting I am keen on. Except it’s not always flirting. I am very family orientated, my favourite foursome in the world and I love spending time just us. Having dated the Narc who had a crap family situation (sit-chee-you-a-chion), I knew that dating someone who didn’t have solid family values is actually a red flag for me and then he sarcastically told me that he didn’t want to go home for his mums wedding because it was her third one. Ouch. There. I was out. I wasn’t interested but I wasn’t rude about it.
His main job was something to do with coffee, but he was a part time comedian. Let me tell you, there was nothing funny about this guy. You know how they say some comedians are disturbed/unhappy people who take the joy of others and put it on a stage to mock it - this was him. There was no attraction from my side at all. It was getting later and cause his food had taken longer, I was there for longer than I should have been. It got to a point where I was like what else do I have to say to this guy #awks. But the end of the night came (finally), he paid for the bill commenting that he wouldn’t normally pay for the bill if he didn’t think there would be a second date. I was being polite, I was not throwing myself at him – where did he get that idea?! I smiled. I appreciate I probably should have said at that point, let me pay half. He walked me out and I felt like he wanted to kiss me and thank god he didn’t plant one on me but I hugged him and off I trotted.
I didn’t text the next day, not even to turn him down. I just left it. He text the following day, it was small conversation and then that was that. The end.
I have no doubt that I have been the butt of his jokes on the stage about some chick who ate food with him, gave him the impression I was interested before letting him pay and then ghost him but hey…. We’ve all gotta do it. You know… save our sanity from a comedian who isn’t funny.
Poor guy – didn’t stand a chance. And next time regardless if I am interested or not, I will pay my half of the bill.
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