I’ve been a naughty girl. All the guys I’ve had sex with this year, was without a condom. Pingu, the threesome, Him, Aubergine and Headband. So naughty. I was due a quick trip home for an occasion and I was spending it with my absolute bestie. No mother in sight, meaning that I could quickly nip to get my vajayjay checked out.
We can’t do it in the Oasis. For obvious reasons #muslimcountry. So it would be stupid for me not to be smart about staying with a friend to go and do this little chore. We didn’t book appointments and that, we just knew we would go first thing on the Friday morning after I arrived.
She’s my best mate. She was there for me when I was going through the split from the Narc and I was absolutely broken. She was there for even though she was thousands of miles away. True friendship right there. I’ve been there for her too cause you know, it takes two to tango even in friendship. She's had a fucking terrible this year too but her sparkling character still shines through and she's getting her sass back and when I say sass, I mean proper sass, she got the walk n all.
So we rocked up to the STI clinic with her 2 year old daughter (I am a terrible person). The receptionist said that we couldn’t have an appointment because she only had one which was fine because it was just me needing one. But that did mean I got the last walk in appointment! Jeeez I was lucky. But like is it lucky? Was it meant to be so that they could tell me I had an STI?! Oh the thoughts. The pressure. Fecking awful!
My besties daughter was rocking about the waiting room, quite the little entertainer. She headed over to the leaflets and of course she picked up the abortion one and was running around with it. It was so funny and yet not. (I am a terrible person).
My name was called. A female nurse and a male student nurse. No swabs or anything. They just talked to me. He said he could leave if I felt more comfortable but I wasn’t bothered. I wasn’t shy. I told them my deal. #oasis #5men #differentnationalities Oh I would have loved to have known what they were thinking about me. Pee in a cup. Do a blood test and that was me done. I’d get a text in a few weeks with the results.
It’s quite scary actually and when you start thinking about picking up herpes from a complete stranger that, because they were good looking or because they made you laugh, you thought yeah, I'll go home with you and let you stick your rake in my bush. And that rake might just be a bit rusty or hasn't been cleaned out from all the other leaves it's been raking. Ohh the forms of an STI. It's pretty serious and it totally smacked me in the face how gross it is. It makes me think, why the hell wouldn’t I look after my vajayjay?
My best mate in the Oasis has been going on about the importance of a rain coat and so I made a promise to myself that whilst I wasn’t in a long term relationship with a partner I can trust, it’s just safer for the little beauty down there, if I protect her best I can. Emphasis on trust, ladies and gentlemen.
A couple of weeks later I got the text. ‘Your test results are clear’.
The relief was like letting out the biggest pee I’d ever had when you’d drank 3 litres of water. #phew
I know we can all relate to that, but maybe not the water, maybe 5 vodka soda's with a bit of lime - bitter sweet.
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